i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
