i need an iv and a liver transplant
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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