Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
