he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
