Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
