i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
