Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
