dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
