I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
