She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
