It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
