Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
