you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
