Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
