if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
