He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize