So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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