ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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