dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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