have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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