Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just want to make out with him forever
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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