Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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