"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Less talking, more tequila
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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