i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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