So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
