I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
