You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
