I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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