I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
