rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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