highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
