just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
