I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
