Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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