my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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