Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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