Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
