Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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