Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Threesome in a minivan. New low
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
