Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Is Oprah even human
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
