I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Your cock deserves a montage
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
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