also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
