So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
