everyone is single if you try hard enough
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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