fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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