He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
ok first of all what the fuck
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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