Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
