So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
