my mouth tastes like poor choices
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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