38 yer olds are good kisserssss
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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