i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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