I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
