You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
