didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
