Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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