Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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