We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
