you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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