Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
